I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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