I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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