Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
