so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
