I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
