This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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