Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Randomize
