if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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