i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
