Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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