Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
