Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
