the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Damn victory sex feels great
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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