I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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