Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
Randomize
