how do flat chested girls get laid?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
