I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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