I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
