You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
