and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
