he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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