Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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