Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
Randomize
