I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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