She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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