when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
What drink are we having for lunch?
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
