he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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