he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
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