sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This is my gift to your gina
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
