From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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