my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Randomize
