My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
