I cockslap morals
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
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