Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
