I just pynch a tree in the face
I cannot find my penis.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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