my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
