what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
