I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
