He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
