so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
