I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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