True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Randomize
