I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
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