I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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