just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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