i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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