***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I accidentally burped into my bong.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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