Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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