Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Randomize
