I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
